confessions of a failed guppy

the last time i put on my bathing suit was the end of august.  the race.  i feared it wouldn't cover all of the extra body i've picked up since then but we managed somehow. i was thankfully distracted by the visual of that by suddenly noticing (as if the hours of needles applying ink weren't enough) that i had acquired three major tattoos since i last put this bathing suit on.  and that was nice.
i took great pains to prepare my swim bag.  it seems that after a hiatus i always forget some major piece of equipment that stops me from swimming.  despite my great efforts, i was turned away at the pool because i needed to renew my membership and they don't take cash.  mercury is in retrograde, after all. it couldn't be too simple.  but did i let it stop me?!  no!!  i marched to the depressing check cashing center and got a money order.  and while we're on the subject of check cashing centers, why must they be so depressing?  could someone open a check cashing boutique?  they could slow drip coffee and restore the original wooden floor or something.  someone will do it in greenpoint next week, as i have now put it out into the universe.
but back to the pool.  i had qualms.  i had fears.  it didn't bode well that i was already winded just riding my bike the 1.4 miles (yes, i just looked it up) to the pool.  so out of shape.  i also feared the water temperature.  it's 20 degrees out after all.
but the moment i slid into the surprisingly warm water, all fears evaporated and all was right in the world and i was reminded of the quaint beauty of this old pool.  the copper ceiling, the huge skylight that stretches the length of the pool, half covered with snow.  the old skinny tiles.
ah, and how a mere 30 minutes of exercise can change your whole life and soul.  length count: 30, compared to last summer's 88 average.  it's a start!   

the moral dilemma of fresh concrete.

last night as i returned from work at 9pm, a freshly poured square of concrete sat drying in front of my building.  i looked down at it and considered the nine years i've lived in this building here on diamond street and the urge to immortalize my initials overtook me.  maybe a romantic gesture with my initials + jade's?  it would be small and pretty.  i stood there for a minute arguing with myself.  what is a block of city sidewalk without initials scrawled in it?

ultimately, the goody-two-shoes in me won out and i went inside without dipping my finger or a stick in the concrete.

in the morning i was glad that i hadn't.  five of the nine other residents of the building stood surrounding the fresh square of sidewalk, where the initials 'LL' had been scrawled quite large and not so beautifully.  their hands were raised, their faces were long.  they grumbled in polish and then in english, "people no good!"  

i imagined how differently the scenario would have played out if the 'LL' had instead been an incriminating 'kjs + jt' and walked away relieved.

not sure what the moral is.  do i think sidewalk engraving is a problem or an urban nuisance?  no.  do i want to make enemies of my neighbors for it?  also no.  

Tried to run from my destruction / you know I didn't even care

apparently i am fascinated by other people's fridges.

because when i randomly stumbled upon a show of San Antonio photographer Mark Menjivar's series, You Are What You Eat, photographs of the contents of people's refrigerators,  i was riveted.  what a telling and unique way to make a portrait.  it resonated so deeply with me that i felt simultaneous admiration, excitement and jealousy that i hadn't thought to do it first.

and now this:  Prince as the inaugural celebrity refrigerator to be outed.

i love it.  

rest in peace, prussia. 1996-2013

an awfully nice gesture from Greenpoint Veterinary Hospital.  

Sunrise

just near the solstice and the sun comes up so early. I've been on night patrol with Prussia.

I should explain. I cancelled her appointment with the vet reaper way back when, and miraculously, she rebounded, put weight and spunk back on and has been enjoying life greatly. 

Until two days ago when she started to get weak in the legs, walk like a drunkard then finally lose the use of her legs at all. 

I have been blessed to be able to work from home so I can be near her. Nights I nap beside her, monitoring her. Bringing the food and water dishes to her face to take from. 

For now, I'm not taking her to the vet. She is resting and I pray that I can keep her comfortable until that final rest comes. That being said, I will of course bring her to the vet if she shows any sign of pain. 

For now, it's watching the sunrises together. 

classic

drove my friend out to jersey to pick up a motorcycle he bought off craigslist. the guy was also selling this 1967 mercury. his garage stuffed to the gills with love reminded me of my dad's. a happy feeling. 

on my doorstep

an unusually humane june, it seems. The rain comes frequently and it's cool. The leaves still feel tender, new on the trees. 

signs of summer

saturday at mc golrick park. the kids swarmed around the water fountain like flies, filling their balloons and shrieking with the joy of summertime.

this is really hard

i don't write anymore.  writing is something i have done since i was a little girl to clear my head, to keep me sane.  to organize my thoughts and madness.  and i just don't afford myself the time, therefore the peace for it anymore.
and now i feel myself desperately reaching for the keys, desperately reaching for some kind of peace.

she's having a really good day today.  i woke up for the third morning on the kitchen floor.  camped out on a thermarest beside her litter box and the butterfly chair stacked high with assorted towels and blankets, all of which bare evidence of her growing senility and discomfort, i.e urine.  i call her the princess and the pea and realize it's a doubly appropriate moniker--the princess and the pee, more like.
so yes, she hopped over me on those vet-shaved legs that days ago hooked up to an iv, on those legs that wobble with each step, and she made a bee-line to her food.  the same lump of food has sat on her dish neglected and rejected for five days.  she looked at it, and at me as if to let me know that though this food was disgusting and old, she was so hungry she would eat it.  I rushed for the fresh can and miraculously, she ate.

she ate.

this is really messing me up.  i've taken the fact that she has stopped voluntarily eating as a sign that she has thrown in the towel--that she wants to die.  i have force fed syringes of watered down nasty cat food into her tightly clamped jaws, each drop successfully ingested matched by smelly droplets landing on my vegetarian hands.  we've infused her with fluid injections twice a day to try to replace the function of her failed kidneys.  i have comforted myself in the knowledge that her body and mind have stopped trying survive, therefore i've told myself that euthanasia is the only humane thing to do.  but now she sits on my lap after having devoured her second meal of the day and i shake my head and wonder how i can make the decision to end the life of she who has been my baby for fourteen years when she is voraciously sopping up the pungent friskies gravy.  it's really messing with my head.

at key food this morning i picked out the smelliest fish flavored wet food i could find.  i started to stock about 10 cans and realized i only needed one or maybe two tops.  because at four pm tomorrow the vet is coming to our house to give her the fatal injection.  it's nice that we can do that at home, but nevertheless i'm freaking about about it.  i lost it in the cat food aisle at key food.  i pulled the leopard print sunglasses from my head to my eyes and jade hugged me tightly and i thanked my lucky stars for him.

he who is allergic to cats and itches every night as he falls to sleep because of prussia.  he who has come to the vet with me every time and taken over when i've started to pass out or sob.  he who has been the nurse and administered the needles while i've held her down, queasy with my eyes closed.  he who has handed over his debit card without hesitation when the bill totals hundreds every time.  he who will take me to the movies after the vet leaves tomorrow so i can try to take my mind from the pain, or at least cry in the dark.

i realize i'm being very melodramatic.  i realize i am not really a mother and prussia is not my child.  but since i've never been there, it seems an awful lot like that.

this is really hard.


this morning you tube recommended i listen to this song.  it's more uncanny than knowing what kind of shoes to advertise to me...