thankfully, i'd had a little bit of preparation on this one, what with the 'jamaican me crazy' spice someone gave me as a gag gift. apparently not enough prep though, that i didn't insist that my hostess turn the car around and go back for a snapshot. i can't think of a better place to spend a rainy day in new jersey. ohh--stop, you dirty little florescent light--jamaican me tan! the head shaking and bad jokes on the way home just never ended.
dear mieke, you're on a plane right now, headed for california! my nerdy tour guide heart breaks that i won't be there to show you around, but another time. as a substitute, i offer you the following tips for sonoma county and beyond which i frantically compiled when a co-worker ventured west this summer. since you'll be based out of napa, a lot of it may not pertain to you, but i know you wanted to see the redwoods. maybe the other stuff will also help you a little, or anyone else visiting northern california.... you don't trust me? you want a testimonial? i thought so. just in case, i copied said co-workers response and will paste here:
"Hi Kitty! Thanks sooooooooooooo much for all of this! I did almost everything in this email! You would be proud. I can’t wait to see you so I can tell you all about it. (I could also go on and on forever) But, I will say now…it was definitely the best vacation ever! Thanks again!"
you can tell i didn't write it because, well, it's capitalized! and i don't mean ALL CAPS. by the way, i recommend printing this whole post out if you're really touring, as well as the links i've included for addresses and further info.
the bottom line is there are a million amazing ways to get out to the redwoods--to Armstrong Woods. so hard to choose. i've drafted two different options.
OKAY, MIEKE--YOU'RE COMING FROM NAPA, SO TAKE HIGHWAY 12 EAST ALL THE WAY OUT TO SEBASTOPOL. YOU WILL DRIVE THROUGH THE TOWN OF SONOMA, AND BEAUTIFUL VALLEY OF THE MOON. ON THROUGH SANTA ROSA (the big town we'd go to for the mall. i also completed my associates degree here at SRJC, and hitchcock filmed 'shadow of a doubt' here), AND WEST TO SEBASTOPOL (my hometown!!). ONCE YOU HIT SEBASTOPOL, YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. A) THE COASTAL ROUTE BELOW--AMAZING (FORGET BRUNCH THOUGH, BY THEN IT MAY BE LUNCH!) OR, ROUTE B, THIS WILL TAKE YOU THROUGH THE FOODIE/COUNTRY PLACES BELOW, THROUGH FORESTVILLE, AND INTO GUERNEVILLE MORE DIRECTLY, CUTTING OUT THE COAST. AT SEBASTOPOL, YOU WILL MAKE A RIGHT ONTO HIGHWAY 116 GOING NORTH.
EITHER ROUTE YOU CHOOSE, SCREAMIN' MIMI'S, at yhe intersection of hwy 12 and hwy 116 IS THE PIVITAL TURNING POINT, SO I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU STOP THERE TO STRETCH YOUR LEGS AND HAVE SOME GREAT HOME MADE ICE CREAM! YOUR CHOICE!
ROUTE A--COASTAL ROUTE--SUPER DELUXE--ALL DAY AFFAIR! click for directions!!
DETAILS ON ROUTE A: WEST on HIGHWAY 12 (BODEGA HIGHWAY), passing through sebastopol (my hometown!--7 miles west of santa rosa). continue 5 miles out of sebastopol. turn RIGHT on BOHEMIAN HIGHWAY at FREESTONE. stop at Wild Flour Bread Bakery on the left hand side. This is the best bread i've ever had in my life, i think. sample all, buy some for later or for another day! it's amazing! especially for a snack when you're in the woods, at the beach, or wine tasting! don't eat too much though, because you're headed to brunch! continue on BOHEMIAN HIGHWAY until you hit the town of OCCIDENTAL. tom waits lives here. I used to live here before i moved to new york. on the right hand side of the two block town you will find "HOWARD's CAFE". go there for brunch! i HIGHLY reccommend the PRIMO POTATOES seriously. also the tofu rancheros kick ass. and the shooting star smoothie is great! after brunch, window shop (or shop!) in the quaint little stores. HAND GOODS is a great local artisan store. as well as one across the street that has vintage and new fun stuff. when you've had you're fill of occidental, turn LEFT on COLEMAN VALLEY ROAD, which heads west and uphill out of the center of town. this breathtaking road will take you through the woods and out to the ocean. my dad used to tell me when we drove on this road that we were driving to the moon. and i believed him. at the top you will see a lot of big rocks and cows. in the winter the grass is lush green. it's looks like ireland! you will notice that california looks very brown and dry in the summer, espcially compared to the lush summer east coast. it's because our dry season is summer. it doesn't rain here at all in the summer. but it doesn't snow in the winter. rains a lot. so winter is green, summer is "golden". it took me forever to get used to this switch. also, i used to hate the "brown" hills in summer. now that i come back from living in the city i have a different appreciation for them and call them "golden" like everyone else. soon you will see the pacific ocean. keep following the road until it ends at the ocean. TURN RIGHT (NORTH) on HIGHWAY ONE. this road loops along the ocean. ocean here is cold and very dangerous!! we don't swim, and we don't turn our backs on the ocean. but there are beautiful rocky coves to explore and tide pools with sea life, and sea lions etc. continue north until you hit GOAT ROCK STATE PARK. you can't miss it. turn left and drive down to the rock. legend says that the land separated from this rock so quickly that there were still goats grazing the top of it. this is where i spent my late nights in high school. walk on the beach and check out the beautiful arches. WARNING: sometimes even if it's 90 degrees inland, the coast will be 20 or 30 degrees cooler! and nights ALWAYS cool down. bring sweaters and light jackets! the weather is so different than new y ork! from goat rock continue north till you cross the bridge over the russian river. turn right on the road that points toward guerneville, more redwoods! BY THE WAY! GAS IS SO EXPENSIVE IN CALI, EVEN MORESO IN THESE COASTAL TOWNS! MAKE SURE YOU GAS UP IN SANTA ROSA OR SEBASTOPOL! guerneville is a resort town which has always been a getaway for gay people from san francisco. you will find it to be pleasant and liberal (well, like all of west county). the sad thing about guerneville is that it gets completely flooded about every other year, so property value is low. you'll find some damage evident, and some riff raff. turn LEFT on ARMSTRONG GROVE ROAD!!! and follow to the end (just a couple of miles). park your car in the lot and walk in for free. DO NOT MISS THIS PARK!!!! it is one of my fave places on earth. walk the easy forest floor trails or take a more strenuous hike if you're into that in the hills. you can also pay and drive up to the top of bullfrog pond for an amazing view of the county. be ready for 5 mph hairpin turns. check out the forest amphitheater. as a child my sisters and friends and i had races running on the benches, and dreamed of being married there. it's a nice place to grab some quiet and lay on your back looking up. if you see a water fountain, drink from it. it is so cold and tastes like so clean like the woods. in the winter the park teems with water.
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY AND YOU'VE SEEN SO MANY BEAUTIFUL THINGS! THE QUICKEST WAY BACK TO NAPA IS TO: TURN LEFT BACK IN GUERNEVILLE (RIVER ROAD HEADING EAST). IF YOU NEED A SPOT OF BUBBLY, KORBEL HAS AN INSANELY GORGEOUS TASTING ROOM ON RIVER ROAD ON THE WAY BACK. EASY TO SPOT! FOLLOW RIVER ROAD ALL THE WAY TO SANTA ROSA, HIGHWAY 101 SOUTH TAKE 101 SOUTH UNTIL PETALUMA THERE WILL BE A TURN OFF FOR NAPA. HERE IS A MAP WITH DIRECTIONS HOME. 1.5 hours.
'the way home': ARMSTRONG WOODS TO NAPA, DIRECT. or if you just want to get to the woods as quickly as possible, reverse this route.
DETAILS ON ROUTE B The foodie/country route: leaving sebastopol, heading north, these are cute country places to pop in...all within a 1.5 mile stretch of each other....
ANDY'S PRODUCE a great produce stand and so much more! buy some whole wheat raspberry bars in the nut section! 1691 gravenstein hwy 116
MOM'S APPLE PIE. oh my god. grab a pie for ezra's brother! they're amazing. 4550 gravenstein hwy 116
KOZLOWSKI FARMS for jam tasting and gifts. 5566 gravenstein hwy 116
once you pass through forestille (don't blink, you will miss it!) the country road meanders out to guerneville. to repeat from ROUTE A, so that ROUTE B is also complete: BY THE WAY! GAS IS SO EXPENSIVE IN CALI, EVEN MORESO IN THESE COASTAL TOWNS! MAKE SURE YOU GAS UP IN SANTA ROSA OR SEBASTOPOL! guerneville is a resort town which has always been a getaway for gay people from san francisco. you will find it to be pleasant and liberal (well, like all of west county). the sad thing about guerneville is that it gets completely flooded about every other year, so property value is low. you'll find some damage evident, and some riff raff. turn LEFT on ARMSTRONG GROVE ROAD!!! and follow to the end (just a couple of miles). park your car in the lot and walk in for free. DO NOT MISS THIS PARK!!!! it is one of my fave places on earth. walk the easy forest floor trails or take a more strenuous hike if you're into that in the hills. you can also pay and drive up to the top of bullfrog pond for an amazing view of the county. be ready for 5 mph hairpin turns. check out the forest amphitheater. as a child my sisters and friends and i had races running on the benches, and dreamed of being married there. it's a nice place to grab some quiet and lay on your back looking up. if you see a water fountain, drink from it. it is so cold and tastes like so clean like the woods. in the winter the park teems with water.
again, i give you the most direct directions back to napa:
IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY AND YOU'VE SEEN SO MANY BEAUTIFUL THINGS! THE QUICKEST WAY BACK TO NAPA IS TO: TURN LEFT BACK IN GUERNEVILLE (RIVER ROAD HEADING EAST). IF YOU NEED A SPOT OF BUBBLY, KORBEL HAS AN INSANELY GORGEOUS TASTING ROOM ON RIVER ROAD ON THE WAY BACK. EASY TO SPOT! FOLLOW RIVER ROAD ALL THE WAY TO SANTA ROSA, HIGHWAY 101 SOUTH TAKE 101 SOUTH UNTIL PETALUMA THERE WILL BE A TURN OFF FOR NAPA. HERE IS A MAP WITH DIRECTIONS HOME. 1.5 hours.
'the way home': ARMSTRONG WOODS TO NAPA, DIRECT. or if you just want to get to the woods as quickly as possible, reverse this route.
ALTERNATE ENDING TO ROUTE A THAT DOESN'T TAKE YOU TO THE REDWOODS. IF CHOSE THE COUNTRY ROUTE B, YOU COULD MAKE THIS A WHOLE SECOND DAY'S JOURNEY--OR WEAVE IT INTO YOUR OYSTER TRIP, AS IT TAKES YOU TO BODEGA BAY.
ONCE COLEMAN VALLEY ROAD HITS THE OCEAN, make a left instead. this will take you past SALMON CREEK a beach with lovely sand dunes and brave surfers. it's also a breeding ground for great white sharks. you're welcome to sun bathe. but i really can't tell you enough. do not swim! (you will follow the signs off the main road a piece to get to the beach. turn right after the creek, by the big whale bone. there should be signs). continue south on highway one. you will come into the town of bodega bay. if you are a fan of hitchcock, you'll recognize this town from 'the birds'. on the biggest hairpin turn you'll find a fish n chips shop that sells jalapeno poppers, onions rigns, french fries and cheese sticks, if you want to fry out. they also offer whale watching trips. i don't know what the whale season is.....that place is just before candy and kites. a cute taffy store, but not my preferred one. for my reccommendation, stop at the taffy shop on the right hand side of the road that is PINK AND WHITE STRIPED. buy a shitload of taffy. it's so good. YOU MUST buy the following flavors, in this level of importance: APRICOT, CRAN-RASPBERRY, MOLLASES, WATERMELON. then choose your own. continuing south on highway one, you can stop at THE TIDES for tourist stuff. they also sell great food stuff. kozlowski farms is my local jam maker. amazing stuff! BUY SOURDOUGH BREAD!!! if you're jonesing for a little hike. and i mean low key hike...on the way out of bodega bay, turn right at the GOLF COURSE. there may be signs pointing you to PINNACLE GULCH. basically, you drive up the hill, turn left, then park on the left hand side of the street in the state park parking lot. across the street is the trail head. 15-20 hike down to a beautiful beach with less people (possibly) and great tide pools. back on highway one, heading south, TURN LEFT ON HIGHWAY 12 TOWARD SEBASTOPOL AND BODEGA. the town of bodega, different than bodega bay has a beautiful creepy cemetery amid the eucalyptus trees. you will also recognize the catholic church and the school house from 'the birds'. my friends were married at that church! continuing on highway 12, in sebastopol, just past the main intersection, where the bank clock is, you will find SCREAMIN' MIMI'S ice cream shop on the left hand side. AMAZING HOME MADE ICE CREAM. their signiature flavor is mimi's mud, and they have kick ass sorbets too! after screamin' mimi's, make a left (sebastopol is a mess of one-way streets, bear with it!) and follow the town square around past whole foods. make a right on highway 116 (main street), which loops around past safeway. TURN LEFT ON FLORENCE ROAD, a small residential street where our local favorite junk sculptor has transformed the street into a sculpture garden. so cool. you can just drive through slowly. the traffic is used to people gawking. don't miss!! when florence hits bodega highway (yes, you've made a bit of a circle), turn left on highway 12, which takes you back to santa rosa and highway 101 too!
if you chose to do the redwood route, i recommend just following bodega highway (12) out to bodega bay (right on higway one) and hitting those other highlights then turning back. both routes are amazing. two days of great fun!
okay, other recommendations: ALSO IN SEBASTOPOL (my hometown!): COFFEE CATZ--this was my high school hangout. they have THE BEST ICED COFFEE I'VE EVER TASTED. make sure to ask for the AWARD WINNING ICED COFFEE. 6761 Sebastopol Avenue. This coffee shop is located in the old sebastopol railroad station, on the left hand side of the road when your coming into sebastopol from santa rosa on highway 12. immediately after the first light THAI POT--no frills Thai food if you have a craving. downtown sebastopol, same block as screamin mimi's Sumbody--bath shop and spa. lovely, hand made. Downtown sebastopol (downtown is only two blocks!) VIVA MEXICO is an amazing mexican place on the south side of sebastopol (highway 116, also known as Gravenstein Highway) 841 Gravenstein Ave
SANTA ROSA brunch: OMLETTE EXPRESS. this is the best place in santa rosa for brunch!!! make sure you get a side of toast! that sounds silly, but you'll understand. this place is in OLD RAILROAD SQUARE, an adorable part of santa rosa. there is a great coffee house opened by my friend's aunt: AROMA ROASTERS, and all kinds of bars, restaurants and shops.
my other fave brunch place in santa rosa is called sam's for play cafe. but it's kind of in the ghetto part of town, and you'd probably rather go somewhere else. but it's super local. so if you're interested.....i go to the one on sebastopol road
dinner in santa rosa: Ca'Bianca is a cute italian restaurant in an old victorian house. in downtown santa rosa.
HEALDSBURG, near the alexander valley has the most adorable town square with FANTASTIC gift/window shopping places to eat: BEAR REPUBLIC is a fun, casual, nice place after a day of tasting. BARNDIVA comes highly recommended, though it's new to me. DRY CREEK KTICHEN is another upscale place WILLIE'S SEAFOOD & RAW BAR
CALISTOGA IF IN CALISTOGA, HAVE BRUNCH AT SARAFORNIA CAFE 1413 Lincoln Avenue, Calistoga.
WINERIES I LIKE: Basically, i love the alexander valley and the russian river valley. get a designated driver (you'll be surprised at how drunk you'll get) and just bounce from winery to winery. you will trip across one every foot or so! CHALK HILL/ALEXANDER VALLEY TASTING MAP---I LOVE SAUSAL on this map RUSSIAN RIVER VALLEY WINE TASTING TOUR
HOP KILN RUSSIAN RIVER VALLEY Hop Kiln Winery 6050 Westside Road Healdsburg, CA 95448 TRENTADUE ---Geyserville (just north of healdsburg) beautiful winery. MUST TRY THEIR CHOCOLATE PORT!@!!!
CHATEAU SOUVERAIN-- KIND OF TOURISTY, but pretty! right off highway 101 in healdsburg
SAN FRANCISCO MY FAVORITE 2 CHINESE RESTAURANTS: FOR FOOD QUALITY: HOUSE OF NAN KING AH-MAY-ZING!!! FOR AMBIENCE: FAR EAST--MAKE SURE TO SIT IN A PRIVATE ROOM BOOTH. OLD SCHOOL STYLE. THE RESTAURANT USED TO JUST BE NARROW HALLWAYS BETWEEN THESE PRIVATE BOOTHS. NOW THEY JUST LINE THE WALLS. FUN!
TOURIST SPOTS THE SUTRO BATH RUINS. EXPLORE THE RUINS, OR HIKE FURTHER THE FERRY BUILDING SHOPS AND FARMERS MARKET--TAKE A FERRY TO SAUSALITO AND WALK AROUND. THE MISSION DISTRICT--THE WILLIAMSBURG OF SF. AMAZING BURRITOS AND MEXICAN MURALS IN THE SIDE ALLEYS. ALSO GREAT SHOPPING. PANCHO VILLA TAQUERIA--LET ME REPHRASE THAT --THE BEST BURRITO ON EARTH!!! 16TH STREET AND VALENCIA? RIGHT NEXT TO THE BART STATION!
it's annoying to me that after all of these years i am still the stick-in-the-mud cautious one. i was always the kid who paced uncomfortably while fonta spray painted the inside of that board that came loose on the back of the barn (shame!), whose heart beat out of control when rafter and i snuck onto the grounds of mt. gilead bible camp and drew pentagrams in the sand. i was the goody-two-shoes whining "guys! i don't think this is such a good idea!" i seem to have been born with a highly overactive sensor for wrong-doing. i never wanted to get drunk, smoke pot, cut class, shoplift, or even walk on the wrong grass. this attitude still resides in me like an unwelcome parasite. why am i the one concerned that emre and emir will break haley's mother's collector plates while they wrestle and do their best bruce lee? so i decide to throw caution to the wind and join in the horseplay at the botanic garden. i grab emre and pretend to push him into the koi pond he's squatting over, trancing out on the fish. but apparently i actually am supposed to listen to this nagging voice in my head, because instead of laughter ensuing, i get emre's super forceful reflex reaction--a fast elbow in the mouth as he jumps up. cartoon stars. a little blood. the overwhelming desire to sob. and i guess i can stop saving up for those lip enhancing injections because angie jolie's pout has nothing on me. born to nag. born to follow the rules. sexy.
i went to new jersey and got punched in the mouth and all i got is the chance to make endless domestic abuse jokes.
emre looking guilty...me--before the swelling took on elephant man proportions--trying to be forgiving, but still looking like i might strangle him. photo courtesy of haley
it appears that people in tokyo have no sense of personal space. for the brief 24 hours i was there i was indeed surprised by their sheer space efficiency. americans in general are too lazy to trek up 6 stories, as is necesary to patronize the restaurants stacked floor upon floor upon floor in that city. impressive. i know more than a few people who would--if caught in the middle of this wave pool--whip out a gun and go postal. i have fond memories of the wave pool at wild waves in seattle, washington. they don't go like this:
what i heard: "excuse me? do you know what block sloan catering is on?" what i thought: that's interesting--of all the people in this crowd, why ask me about catering? do i reek so much of catering even after two months off? and anyway, who is sloan catering? i thought i knew all of our competition.
what the lady next to me said: "turn right--next block down."
what i thought: that's odd--who knows where catering offices are, especially ones i've never heard of?!" what i immediately passed: sloan--kettering HOSPITAL. the one i've seen every day for ten years.
what's that? i look a little larger? hmmmm....i wonder why. worth every bite, every day. ask me about my amazing month long burrito and ice cream diet!
so apparently all of the energy i've spent fighting the war on bedbugs is totally misguided. the washing of clothes, the packing of stuff, the extermination. all totally superfluous. that's right--a total waste of time. according to a friend of emre's, all we need around here is a couple of chickens to eat up all the bugs. and i ask myself. why the hell did i not think of this first? i could have grabbed this guy from the trash can in goreme, turkey. silly me.
i'm positive no one would call the cops on us, nor would the chickens make any mess of their own, nor wake us up at 5am like the bedbugs do. brilliant plan. let's do it.
and now, a couple more musings on bedbugs. because i just can't stop.
hi suzie! thanks for the link to the mosquito net like body tent! unfortunately it has to just suffice for humor because (sorry, family, i just can't contain the language--i've earned enough goody-two-shoes points in the past--right?!) these little fuckers say, "fabric--pshaww--i'll just squeeze my little appleseed-like body right through that and SUCK YOUR BLOOD."
the chrysanthimum touch is cute too. i tried everything herbal. i even doused the bed every night with a solution of thyme oil (expensive stuff) and witch hazel, but nada help. it's amazing how when you face something like this, all of your mellow environmental side flies right out the window. bedbugs are on the rise because of the erradication of ddt? ddt's not so bad--i love that stuff! can i bathe in it? wash my hair in it? spray down my whole apartment building with it?
and now, just to shake me and say, snap out of it! stop feeling sorry for yourself! an email from a friend who shall remain anonymous (clearly someone with more class than myself). this blows me right out of the water and momentarily makes me feel better before the paranoid side of me says, oh god, please don't let that happen to me:
"As for the bedbugs - seriously, I have been there but I had bedbugs, then crabs, then scabbies. Jealous?? I had to literally empty my apartment of everything. I went to the housing works for furniture and clothes and then the Salvation Army for new clothes. I still shop there."
except now i'm too paranoid to frequent my old friend the salvation army.
every morning in algebra one, mr. jay would grab my attention away from the ants marching zen-like along the classroom chair-rail by reading a top ten list from the david letterman show, followed by a few north dakota jokes. he also rewarded attention to detail or ass-kissing, as it were, by granting one extra credit point per test for writing 'go dodgers' at the top.
dear mr. jay, this one's for you:
oh, wait.....GO DODGERS!
TOP 10 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT A "REALLY BAD" BED BUG INFESTATION* by contributing writer, kitty joe ste-marie okay, oops, so it's turned more into a TOP 40 list--go figure, there are just too many great things to narrow down!
43.. living three months in denial, telling your boyfriend he's crazy--the chicken pox-like affliction covering his whole body must be mosquito bites--while downplaying your own. emre wants to make sure no one thinks the linked photo is of either of us. i knew you didn't.... 42. the moment of truth, when you pull back the sheets at midnight to find an advanced civilization of evil bugs rich and fat off your blood lining the mattress seams and wall hangings.
41. seeing at least 13, 482 macroscopically enlarged images online of the BEASTS nightly sucking your blood. comforting.
40. reading hopeless statistics and accounts of how you'll never be rid of them because their eggs will not be destroyed and they can live a year without feeding.
39. hallucinating all night that bugs are all around and on you.
38. turning on the light to see that it's true.
37. lying to people so they don't treat you like a leper: "the house disaster i'm losing sleep over is a caved-in ceiling". oh wait!! that's also true. what a great summer! 36. washing every bath towel, sheet, placemat, rag, rug and decades worth of vintage clothing you formerly insisted on hand-washing in cold water and woolite, hung to dry IN HOT WATER, DRIED ON HIGH. 35. saying goodbye to half of your wardrobe (in case that last point didn't make it clear).
34. double bagging the aforementioned items and leaving them sealed for two months and counting.
33. spending $100 on garbage bags alone. at least. feeling like you own stock in the garbage bag company.
32. spending $300 in quarters (hey everyone in the laundromat--i won the jackpot!) on laundry in one shot. at least. let's not even talk about the FUN of that undertaking.
31. not having told your neighbors yet about the bedbugs--though clueless to the fact that they have them too, and indeed were the source of them--dragging the aforementioned mountains of laundry in garbage bags back and forth for two days, trying to dry the tears and look normal, while suddenly national 'let's sit on the stoop weekend' seems to have been declared on your block. except you couldn't read the signs because it was probably IN POLISH.
30. crying--no sobbing, hysterically--a lot. yelling at your boyfriend a lot before finally uniting in the Axis of Humans in the war on disgusting, blood-sucking, words-can't-describe-how-much-i-loathe-them-BEDBUGS! 29. emptying every bookcase, desk, closet, shelf, ANYTHING CONTAINING STUFF into boxes, as though you're moving. except you will have to unpack in the same place. that you're afraid is crawling with bugs. nice. and certainly no one wants to set foot in your place to help you.
28. double garbage bagging those boxes and storing them in the hot sun of the fire escape for two weeks to kill any bugs or eggs while TORNADOES RATTLE BROOKLYN. are you kidding me?
27. dragging the 40 plus garbage bags full of clothing in and out of the window to fire escape to make room for multiple exterminations to succeed. cross your fingers. but what about shoes? they can't go in the washing machine. oh not to worry! there's a solution for everything! 26. hair-blow-drying every shoe for 5-10 minutes each, then double bagging them. sorry to break the 2nd person voice for a moment here, but, do you know how many shoes i have?! it's not that i'm such a shoe shopper, but i still have a lot of the shoes i wore in junior high! okay, maybe not that far back, but definitely since i left high school. um....not anymore. do you know how hot an apartment in new york becomes after hours of hair blow drying shoes like an idiot?!
25. finally accepting the idea of keeping your post-exterminated bedbug-shit-stained mattress because you can't afford another one, then having the exterminator tell you "you've got 'em really bad". mattress unsalvageable.
24. flinching when your skin senses a hair, the sheet, a breeze--being sure it's a bug. entire body itching all night long. 23. taking herbal sleep aids for the first time in your life, sure that darvoset, perkoset, valium and heroin are right around the corner.
22. thinking you are being bitten all day, everyday when you're walking down the street, hence giving the appearance of person with skin or mental disease.
21. being forced to sleep elsewhere for days every extermination.
20. feeling like a leper because friends are paranoid to have you stay with them. 19. totally understanding that.
18. watching your goals for the summer fly out the window
17. throwing away furniture left and right
16. adding to the financial strain of replacing all you had to throw away, not being able to work because you're packing for a "non-move".
15. paying for a 2nd, 3rd and 4th extermination. 14. cleaning up toxic chemicals after EVERY seemingly futile extermination in a 100 degree apartment because you don't want to blow the toxic dust around with a fan or air conditioning.
13. having to put off your sister's visit AGAIN because you don't even have a bed for yourself. 12. trying to find a place without cats or allergic people to board your 'special needs' cat, hoping she won't attempt suicide again by crawling behind the sink wall. (thanks asli, nick & courtney!) 11. explaining endlessly about the new bedbug epidemic in nyc, defending brooklyn (they're in manhattan, too!), swearing it's not because you live in squalor. even that chick from SNL had them in her $13,000/month rental in Soho! where's my $450,000 settlement?! 10. not being able to mention your fascinating infestation without talking obsessively about it for at least an hour, listing all prior points and watching people shudder and thank god they're not you.
9. becoming paranoid about sitting on subway benches.
8. becoming paranoid about traveling. 7. becoming paranoid about EVERYTHING.
6. jumping at the sight of every piece of lint, sure it's a bedbug. 5. no more street furniture.
4. no more vintage clothing.
3. making everyone else paranoid. 2. falling halfway into the toilet every time you pee because the bedbugs have taken over your life, therefore, no time to replace perfectly timed broken toilet seat.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE! AND NOW, THE #1 GREATEST THING ABOUT A REALLY BAD BEDBUG INFESTATION....
1. did i mention feeling like a leper? i don't even know how to end this list, how to rate the number one thing. all i can say in summary: bedbugs suck. don't get them. if you really want to know how to prevent them, ask me questions in the comment section. i have processed thousands of bedbug articles! but surely, the best way not to get bedbugs is NOT avoiding yours truly (i swear!)
oh wait, i know, i know what it is!!! FEELING LIKE THIS WILL NEVER END! when did it begin? *all disgusting visual aids are buried under links so you won't get mad at me since i told you all to read this while eating your cereal. then again, even without the visuals, you've probably lost your appetite. sorry
here's a tour of the apartment i was welcomed home to after a month in california:
i may get in trouble for insinuating that it was the first time he'd cleaned the bathroom in our nearly four years living together...but certainly never so thoroughly or with such gusto and whining. baby, can you re-tie the t-shirt around my nose?! i can't breathe! i'm dying! the chemicals! ahhhh!
distressed me: "we need to put these boxes out on the fire escape for three days in the hot sun (don't ask why!), but the forecast says it will thunderstorm every other day until we die...."
cute-foreign-boyfriend: "maybe we could put one of those plastic things over it. what is it called....a turd?"
laughing me: "a turd? do you mean a tarp?!"
cute-foreign-boyfriend: "oh yeah--not a turd--a tarp. what is a turd, again?"
how brad came back into my life is one of those "it's a small world afterall" stories. one day in the middle of interviewing candidates for butler positions at the catering company where i work, i came upon a nice boy whose resume listed summer work experience at a restaurant in bodega bay. being that i grew up 10 miles from the aforementioned coastal lovely-ville, my curiosity was piqued. "you worked in bodega bay....where are you from?" "california" where? "northern california" where? "sonoma county" where? "sebastopol" (my hometown!!)
holy shit! you are young! you were probably the little brother of someone i grew up with! and looking down at his name i realized indeed, that he was my elementary school buddy's little brother. oh, how many days jenny and i spent playing with cabbage patch kids, making shrinky-dinks and swinging on bars till my hands were blistered as toddler brad and his pudgy brother kevin 'pestered' us! as these wonderful memories scrolled movie-like through my head i suddenly remembered hearing the news that my long lost friend (junior high brought strife between us--the usual popularity wars) had tragically passed away a couple years ago. figuring i never would have seen her again anyway, and having lost touch with her family, i'd felt awkward about what to do with the grief i felt. but this moment felt perfectly destined and natural. up i was, hugging brad as though he were still that little boy, "i'm so sorry about your sister--she was a dear friend of mine!" both of us were crying at this point, hugging, while my co-workers and boss looked on in confusion.
the back of this photo is labeled "jenny, kitty, katie amber and fredrica fernanda--june '84". the latter two names, of course, belonged to my cabbage patch kids.
the crazy thing is i had to beg my boss to hire brad because he had the audacity to show up to the interview wearing jeans. i mean, this is serious business, this serving of food! if you wear jeans, who is to know how you'll look in a cheap polyester tuxedo?! if someone else had interviewed him he never would have been hired and i never would have known that he'd moved to new york, lived just down the street from me in my very neighborhood, and come to interview. of course i promised to introduce him to the big city and be his surrogate sister and show him all around. this process has been slower than i'd hoped, considering i'm really a selfish busy busy busy bee with barely enough time to wave hello to my boyfriend every so often. we have, nonetheless, managed to hang out a bit and it turns out to be so much fun. i feel like we have even more in common than just hailing from sebastopol. and now that i know brad is experiencing even more family loss, my heart goes out to him... the top photo was taken on the subway as brad, mieke and i headed to see the arcade fire way uptown at an old vaudeville theatre and poses the question, 'is there something in the sebastopol water that grows enormous dimples?' looking at my sister amy, you might be swayed to believe it's true! the arcade fire rocking us all by letting hundreds of people storm the stage.... photos courtesy of mieke
kitty joe ste-Marie lives in greenpoint, brooklyn and has catlike reflexes and the ingenuity of Lex Luthor. her mental fortitude is also somewhat legendary.
kitty joe enjoys eating toenails (just as a snack), doesn't take BS, enjoys the new york times just for the articles, thinks patchouli oil should be banned, believes a fake bio is a real sign of genius (and a subtle cry for help), and wonders what you're doing right now. stay alive, she will find you.
