new york city is being overtaken by bedbugs. we all know this. in fact, the entire country seems to be, with 3 cities in ohio ranking in the top 10 for per capita infestations. you can't walk a half a block without having to carefully maneuver around abandoned mattresses speckled with telltale flecks of sleeping victims blood. can't step on the subway without having to see bedbugs in advertisements blown up to the size of your head. bedbugs are the new ever-present monsters of the city now. the new roaches. the new muggers.
everyone knows multiple people who have them. everyone is in fear. but it's now a group problem that is met with empathetic sympathy.
this wasn't the case four years ago when i had one of the worst infestations i've heard of. it was august, and i was wearing long sleeve shirts in an attempt to cover up my nasty devoured arms. bite on the eyelid? just leave the sunglasses on all day! bedbugs were something kept very secret. no one wanted to know you had them. and no one wanted to know you if you had them. oh, and have them i did. the elderly lady who lived downstairs worked as a maid at a 5-star that had to close down five floors for bedbug extermination. it seems the infested carpets and furniture were just too tempting to pass up, and she decided she'd hoard them in our basement. it took over TEN visits from the exterminators, complete decimation of any semblance of normalcy in my apartment and the development of full post-traumatic stress disorder before i learned of this key fact. she's lucky our building didn't turn into a riot mob and come to her in the middle of the night with pitchforks and torches. we probably would have, if we hadn't been so damn tired. in a turn of events baffling and SO unfair, her apartment was one of only two in the building that was not infested. you can read my delirious reports here and here.
but all of this preamble to merely report a silly memory: during our many exhaustive exterminations, i quickly entered the phone number of the extermination company into my phone as 'BEDBUGS'. seemed simple, straightforward. first thing that popped into my head. but sometimes when my phone would ring, sleep deprived and on edge as i was, it would be very startling to look on my cell display and see the words BEDBUGS CALLING. you can run. but you can't hide. they're even calling on the damn phone!
Showing posts with label bedbugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bedbugs. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sunday, August 10, 2008
everyone's favorite--words of wisdom from emre
in regard to passing up the free wooden bookcase on the sidewalk:
emre: we have a phrase in turkey.
the one whose tongue gets bitten by the hot milk
will eat the yogurt with blowing.
me: very catchy.
emre: we have a phrase in turkey.
the one whose tongue gets bitten by the hot milk
will eat the yogurt with blowing.
me: very catchy.
Friday, August 10, 2007
now i can rest easy
so apparently all of the energy i've spent fighting the war on bedbugs is totally misguided. the washing of clothes, the packing of stuff, the extermination. all totally superfluous. that's right--a total waste of time.
according to a friend of emre's, all we need around here is a couple of chickens to eat up all the bugs. and i ask myself. why the hell did i not think of this first? i could have grabbed this guy from the trash can in goreme, turkey. silly me.
i'm positive no one would call the cops on us, nor would the chickens make any mess of their own, nor wake us up at 5am like the bedbugs do. brilliant plan. let's do it.
and now, a couple more musings on bedbugs. because i just can't stop.
hi suzie! thanks for the link to the mosquito net like body tent!
unfortunately it has to just suffice for humor because (sorry, family, i just can't contain the language--i've earned enough goody-two-shoes points in the past--right?!) these little fuckers say, "fabric--pshaww--i'll just squeeze my little appleseed-like body right through that and SUCK YOUR BLOOD."
the chrysanthimum touch is cute too. i tried everything herbal. i even doused the bed every night with a solution of thyme oil (expensive stuff) and witch hazel, but nada help. it's amazing how when you face something like this, all of your mellow environmental side flies right out the window. bedbugs are on the rise because of the erradication of ddt? ddt's not so bad--i love that stuff! can i bathe in it? wash my hair in it? spray down my whole apartment building with it?
and now, just to shake me and say, snap out of it! stop feeling sorry for yourself! an email from a friend who shall remain anonymous (clearly someone with more class than myself). this blows me right out of the water and momentarily makes me feel better before the paranoid side of me says, oh god, please don't let that happen to me:
"As for the bedbugs - seriously, I have been there but I had bedbugs, then crabs, then scabbies. Jealous?? I had to literally empty my apartment of everything. I went to the housing works for furniture and clothes and then the Salvation Army for new clothes. I still shop there."
except now i'm too paranoid to frequent my old friend the salvation army.
according to a friend of emre's, all we need around here is a couple of chickens to eat up all the bugs. and i ask myself. why the hell did i not think of this first? i could have grabbed this guy from the trash can in goreme, turkey. silly me.
i'm positive no one would call the cops on us, nor would the chickens make any mess of their own, nor wake us up at 5am like the bedbugs do. brilliant plan. let's do it.
and now, a couple more musings on bedbugs. because i just can't stop.
hi suzie! thanks for the link to the mosquito net like body tent!
unfortunately it has to just suffice for humor because (sorry, family, i just can't contain the language--i've earned enough goody-two-shoes points in the past--right?!) these little fuckers say, "fabric--pshaww--i'll just squeeze my little appleseed-like body right through that and SUCK YOUR BLOOD."
the chrysanthimum touch is cute too. i tried everything herbal. i even doused the bed every night with a solution of thyme oil (expensive stuff) and witch hazel, but nada help. it's amazing how when you face something like this, all of your mellow environmental side flies right out the window. bedbugs are on the rise because of the erradication of ddt? ddt's not so bad--i love that stuff! can i bathe in it? wash my hair in it? spray down my whole apartment building with it?
and now, just to shake me and say, snap out of it! stop feeling sorry for yourself! an email from a friend who shall remain anonymous (clearly someone with more class than myself). this blows me right out of the water and momentarily makes me feel better before the paranoid side of me says, oh god, please don't let that happen to me:
"As for the bedbugs - seriously, I have been there but I had bedbugs, then crabs, then scabbies. Jealous?? I had to literally empty my apartment of everything. I went to the housing works for furniture and clothes and then the Salvation Army for new clothes. I still shop there."
except now i'm too paranoid to frequent my old friend the salvation army.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
top 10 greatest things about a "really bad" bedbug infestation
every morning in algebra one, mr. jay would grab my attention away from the ants marching zen-like along the classroom chair-rail by reading a top ten list from the david letterman show, followed by a few north dakota jokes.
he also rewarded attention to detail or ass-kissing, as it were, by granting one extra credit point per test for writing 'go dodgers' at the top.
dear mr. jay,
this one's for you:
oh, wait.....GO DODGERS!
TOP 10 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT A "REALLY BAD" BED BUG INFESTATION*
by contributing writer, kitty joe ste-marie
okay, oops, so it's turned more into a TOP 40 list--go figure, there are just too many great things to narrow down!
43.. living three months in denial, telling your boyfriend he's crazy--the chicken pox-like affliction covering his whole body must be mosquito bites--while downplaying your own.
emre wants to make sure no one thinks the linked photo is of either of us. i knew you didn't....
42. the moment of truth, when you pull back the sheets at midnight to find an advanced civilization of evil bugs rich and fat off your blood lining the mattress seams and wall hangings.
41. seeing at least 13, 482 macroscopically enlarged images online of the BEASTS nightly sucking your blood. comforting.
40. reading hopeless statistics and accounts of how you'll never be rid of them because their eggs will not be destroyed and they can live a year without feeding.
39. hallucinating all night that bugs are all around and on you.
38. turning on the light to see that it's true.
37. lying to people so they don't treat you like a leper: "the house disaster i'm losing sleep over is a caved-in ceiling". oh wait!! that's also true. what a great summer!
36. washing every bath towel, sheet, placemat, rag, rug and decades worth of vintage clothing you formerly insisted on hand-washing in cold water and woolite, hung to dry IN HOT WATER, DRIED ON HIGH.
35. saying goodbye to half of your wardrobe (in case that last point didn't make it clear).
34. double bagging the aforementioned items and leaving them sealed for two months and counting.
33. spending $100 on garbage bags alone. at least. feeling like you own stock in the garbage bag company.
32. spending $300 in quarters (hey everyone in the laundromat--i won the jackpot!) on laundry in one shot. at least. let's not even talk about the FUN of that undertaking.
31. not having told your neighbors yet about the bedbugs--though clueless to the fact that they have them too, and indeed were the source of them--dragging the aforementioned mountains of laundry in garbage bags back and forth for two days, trying to dry the tears and look normal, while suddenly national 'let's sit on the stoop weekend' seems to have been declared on your block. except you couldn't read the signs because it was probably IN POLISH.
30. crying--no sobbing, hysterically--a lot. yelling at your boyfriend a lot before finally uniting in the Axis of Humans in the war on disgusting, blood-sucking, words-can't-describe-how-much-i-loathe-them-BEDBUGS!
29. emptying every bookcase, desk, closet, shelf, ANYTHING CONTAINING STUFF into boxes, as though you're moving. except you will have to unpack in the same place. that you're afraid is crawling with bugs. nice. and certainly no one wants to set foot in your place to help you.
28. double garbage bagging those boxes and storing them in the hot sun of the fire escape for two weeks to kill any bugs or eggs while TORNADOES RATTLE BROOKLYN. are you kidding me?
27. dragging the 40 plus garbage bags full of clothing in and out of the window to fire escape to make room for multiple exterminations to succeed. cross your fingers.
but what about shoes? they can't go in the washing machine. oh not to worry! there's a solution for everything!
26. hair-blow-drying every shoe for 5-10 minutes each, then double bagging them. sorry to break the 2nd person voice for a moment here, but, do you know how many shoes i have?! it's not that i'm such a shoe shopper, but i still have a lot of the shoes i wore in junior high! okay, maybe not that far back, but definitely since i left high school. um....not anymore. do you know how hot an apartment in new york becomes after hours of hair blow drying shoes like an idiot?!
25. finally accepting the idea of keeping your post-exterminated bedbug-shit-stained mattress because you can't afford another one, then having the exterminator tell you "you've got 'em really bad". mattress unsalvageable.
24. flinching when your skin senses a hair, the sheet, a breeze--being sure it's a bug. entire body itching all night long.
23. taking herbal sleep aids for the first time in your life, sure that darvoset, perkoset, valium and heroin are right around the corner.
22. thinking you are being bitten all day, everyday when you're walking down the street, hence giving the appearance of person with skin or mental disease.
21. being forced to sleep elsewhere for days every extermination.
20. feeling like a leper because friends are paranoid to have you stay with them.
19. totally understanding that.
18. watching your goals for the summer fly out the window
17. throwing away furniture left and right
16. adding to the financial strain of replacing all you had to throw away, not being able to work because you're packing for a "non-move".
15. paying for a 2nd, 3rd and 4th extermination.
14. cleaning up toxic chemicals after EVERY seemingly futile extermination in a 100 degree apartment because you don't want to blow the toxic dust around with a fan or air conditioning.
13. having to put off your sister's visit AGAIN because you don't even have a bed for yourself.
12. trying to find a place without cats or allergic people to board your 'special needs' cat, hoping she won't attempt suicide again by crawling behind the sink wall. (thanks asli, nick & courtney!)
11. explaining endlessly about the new bedbug epidemic in nyc, defending brooklyn (they're in manhattan, too!), swearing it's not because you live in squalor. even that chick from SNL had them in her $13,000/month rental in Soho! where's my $450,000 settlement?!
10. not being able to mention your fascinating infestation without talking obsessively about it for at least an hour, listing all prior points and watching people shudder and thank god they're not you.
9. becoming paranoid about sitting on subway benches.
8. becoming paranoid about traveling.
7. becoming paranoid about EVERYTHING.
6. jumping at the sight of every piece of lint, sure it's a bedbug.
5. no more street furniture.
4. no more vintage clothing.
3. making everyone else paranoid.
2. falling halfway into the toilet every time you pee because the bedbugs have taken over your life, therefore, no time to replace perfectly timed broken toilet seat.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE! AND NOW, THE #1 GREATEST THING ABOUT A REALLY BAD BEDBUG INFESTATION....
1. did i mention feeling like a leper? i don't even know how to end this list, how to rate the number one thing. all i can say in summary: bedbugs suck. don't get them. if you really want to know how to prevent them, ask me questions in the comment section. i have processed thousands of bedbug articles! but surely, the best way not to get bedbugs is NOT avoiding yours truly (i swear!)
oh wait, i know, i know what it is!!! FEELING LIKE THIS WILL NEVER END! when did it begin?
*all disgusting visual aids are buried under links so you won't get mad at me since i told you all to read this while eating your cereal. then again, even without the visuals, you've probably lost your appetite. sorry
here's a tour of the apartment i was welcomed home to after a month in california:
he also rewarded attention to detail or ass-kissing, as it were, by granting one extra credit point per test for writing 'go dodgers' at the top.
dear mr. jay,
this one's for you:
oh, wait.....GO DODGERS!
TOP 10 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT A "REALLY BAD" BED BUG INFESTATION*
by contributing writer, kitty joe ste-marie
okay, oops, so it's turned more into a TOP 40 list--go figure, there are just too many great things to narrow down!
43.. living three months in denial, telling your boyfriend he's crazy--the chicken pox-like affliction covering his whole body must be mosquito bites--while downplaying your own.
emre wants to make sure no one thinks the linked photo is of either of us. i knew you didn't....
42. the moment of truth, when you pull back the sheets at midnight to find an advanced civilization of evil bugs rich and fat off your blood lining the mattress seams and wall hangings.
41. seeing at least 13, 482 macroscopically enlarged images online of the BEASTS nightly sucking your blood. comforting.
40. reading hopeless statistics and accounts of how you'll never be rid of them because their eggs will not be destroyed and they can live a year without feeding.
39. hallucinating all night that bugs are all around and on you.
38. turning on the light to see that it's true.
37. lying to people so they don't treat you like a leper: "the house disaster i'm losing sleep over is a caved-in ceiling". oh wait!! that's also true. what a great summer!
36. washing every bath towel, sheet, placemat, rag, rug and decades worth of vintage clothing you formerly insisted on hand-washing in cold water and woolite, hung to dry IN HOT WATER, DRIED ON HIGH.
35. saying goodbye to half of your wardrobe (in case that last point didn't make it clear).
34. double bagging the aforementioned items and leaving them sealed for two months and counting.
33. spending $100 on garbage bags alone. at least. feeling like you own stock in the garbage bag company.
32. spending $300 in quarters (hey everyone in the laundromat--i won the jackpot!) on laundry in one shot. at least. let's not even talk about the FUN of that undertaking.
31. not having told your neighbors yet about the bedbugs--though clueless to the fact that they have them too, and indeed were the source of them--dragging the aforementioned mountains of laundry in garbage bags back and forth for two days, trying to dry the tears and look normal, while suddenly national 'let's sit on the stoop weekend' seems to have been declared on your block. except you couldn't read the signs because it was probably IN POLISH.
30. crying--no sobbing, hysterically--a lot. yelling at your boyfriend a lot before finally uniting in the Axis of Humans in the war on disgusting, blood-sucking, words-can't-describe-how-much-i-loathe-them-BEDBUGS!
29. emptying every bookcase, desk, closet, shelf, ANYTHING CONTAINING STUFF into boxes, as though you're moving. except you will have to unpack in the same place. that you're afraid is crawling with bugs. nice. and certainly no one wants to set foot in your place to help you.
28. double garbage bagging those boxes and storing them in the hot sun of the fire escape for two weeks to kill any bugs or eggs while TORNADOES RATTLE BROOKLYN. are you kidding me?
27. dragging the 40 plus garbage bags full of clothing in and out of the window to fire escape to make room for multiple exterminations to succeed. cross your fingers.
but what about shoes? they can't go in the washing machine. oh not to worry! there's a solution for everything!
26. hair-blow-drying every shoe for 5-10 minutes each, then double bagging them. sorry to break the 2nd person voice for a moment here, but, do you know how many shoes i have?! it's not that i'm such a shoe shopper, but i still have a lot of the shoes i wore in junior high! okay, maybe not that far back, but definitely since i left high school. um....not anymore. do you know how hot an apartment in new york becomes after hours of hair blow drying shoes like an idiot?!
25. finally accepting the idea of keeping your post-exterminated bedbug-shit-stained mattress because you can't afford another one, then having the exterminator tell you "you've got 'em really bad". mattress unsalvageable.
24. flinching when your skin senses a hair, the sheet, a breeze--being sure it's a bug. entire body itching all night long.
23. taking herbal sleep aids for the first time in your life, sure that darvoset, perkoset, valium and heroin are right around the corner.
22. thinking you are being bitten all day, everyday when you're walking down the street, hence giving the appearance of person with skin or mental disease.
21. being forced to sleep elsewhere for days every extermination.
20. feeling like a leper because friends are paranoid to have you stay with them.
19. totally understanding that.
18. watching your goals for the summer fly out the window
17. throwing away furniture left and right
16. adding to the financial strain of replacing all you had to throw away, not being able to work because you're packing for a "non-move".
15. paying for a 2nd, 3rd and 4th extermination.
14. cleaning up toxic chemicals after EVERY seemingly futile extermination in a 100 degree apartment because you don't want to blow the toxic dust around with a fan or air conditioning.
13. having to put off your sister's visit AGAIN because you don't even have a bed for yourself.
12. trying to find a place without cats or allergic people to board your 'special needs' cat, hoping she won't attempt suicide again by crawling behind the sink wall. (thanks asli, nick & courtney!)
11. explaining endlessly about the new bedbug epidemic in nyc, defending brooklyn (they're in manhattan, too!), swearing it's not because you live in squalor. even that chick from SNL had them in her $13,000/month rental in Soho! where's my $450,000 settlement?!
10. not being able to mention your fascinating infestation without talking obsessively about it for at least an hour, listing all prior points and watching people shudder and thank god they're not you.
9. becoming paranoid about sitting on subway benches.
8. becoming paranoid about traveling.
7. becoming paranoid about EVERYTHING.
6. jumping at the sight of every piece of lint, sure it's a bedbug.
5. no more street furniture.
4. no more vintage clothing.
3. making everyone else paranoid.
2. falling halfway into the toilet every time you pee because the bedbugs have taken over your life, therefore, no time to replace perfectly timed broken toilet seat.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE! AND NOW, THE #1 GREATEST THING ABOUT A REALLY BAD BEDBUG INFESTATION....
1. did i mention feeling like a leper? i don't even know how to end this list, how to rate the number one thing. all i can say in summary: bedbugs suck. don't get them. if you really want to know how to prevent them, ask me questions in the comment section. i have processed thousands of bedbug articles! but surely, the best way not to get bedbugs is NOT avoiding yours truly (i swear!)
oh wait, i know, i know what it is!!! FEELING LIKE THIS WILL NEVER END! when did it begin?
*all disgusting visual aids are buried under links so you won't get mad at me since i told you all to read this while eating your cereal. then again, even without the visuals, you've probably lost your appetite. sorry
here's a tour of the apartment i was welcomed home to after a month in california:
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