Wednesday, April 14, 2010

creepy things afoot.

okay, so i've mentioned it's spring?


and i've mentioned a couple of times that jade is nursing a torn acl and meniscus? our biggest outings together have been to the doctor--weekly--and now that some swelling has subsided, mc gorlick park. it's two blocks away and there's flowers blooming and beautiful benches.
let's see that redbud again....


so we saddled jade up in his polio crutches and ambled down that way for some morning sun before i went to work.



and there we were sitting on the lovely benches. it was too early for the hipsters to be up yet, so we watched the old polish dudes walking their non-accessory dogs.


and then. and then the corners of our eyes were caught by a man kissing his dog a little too enthusiastically. now i understand that you dog people...wait, strike that--i don't understand, but i know that you dog people...okay SOME of you dog people feel the need to let your dogs lick your faces knowing full well that dogs are happiest when they are eating their own poop...yes, i admit, even that skeeves me out, but i have come to accept this behavior as 'normal'.
but this was not that.
said man sat on the lawn on his knees, while this large dog had it's front paws resting on his shoulders, so that they were face-to-face. and the man was caressing the dog (even petting is not a skeevy enough word for the action we witnessed), as though it were a lover--with both hands circling around its shoulders (i don't even think they call them shoulders in dogs--haunches?) then down around its butt then under its belly and then cupping those things that sometimes people chop off. my god, i'm squirming and euphemising writing this, like i'm writing bestiality porn or something. and that's what it was like to watch.
finally it became too weird to only catch from the corner of our eyes and we sat there staring, jaws hanging open in disbelief, stammering to each other.
"....wait, this is really weird, right? this isn't normal right, like even for dog people? dude! isn't that guy just totally making out with his dog?!"

and he was.
making out.
with his dog.
in the park.

soon a hush descended over the park, despite the road construction and the tweeting birds and chirping squirrels. everyone on the benches surrounding focused their eyes like lasers in the direction of this inter-specieal pda in total disbelief. it continued well over a minute like this. and anyone who's been in an earthquake knows even how long fifteen seconds can last.
finally the kissing man noticed he was under scrutiny, pulled away, and stood up. even more disturbingly, jade pointed out, he then fiddled nervously, both hands in his pockets, before storming away in the opposite direction. without the dog.

which is when we noticed that behind the tree trunk, sat the true owner of the dog, who had just watched the whole scene at close range. with my brilliant drawing skills, i've put together a little reenactment for our viewing pleasure.


like any scandalous couple, they left separately. or i guess the scandalous couples arrives separately. whatever the case, it made me want to approach the other gawkers to relate. we didn't just imagine that, did we?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

that is the funniest thing i've EVER heard....LOVE your drawings. BTW...I'm totally skeeved out now. EEEWWWWW....Gnome

jade said...

it was really weird and way over 2 minutes. awkward...

jade said...

it was the loverish caressing that took it over the top. super awkward....

Mieke said...

Super funny story -love the drawings!- but what? just the thought of it is totally nauseating, reminds me a little of that dog person, u know ;-) bluuuhhhhh

Rebecca said...

Holy shit!! I really like your crime scene photoshop drawing of the account!!! That's hilarious... sorry bout yer knee, Jade, heal quick, so you don't have to be a witness to all the bestiality of Greenpoint! Tee hee.. great story.

kim said...

Nasty! What a way to take a perfectly beautiful spring morning and perv it up with twisted humanity. Tristan told me I had to read this!

Anonymous said...

i just threw up in my mouth....