Thursday, March 13, 2008

worse. than. chinese. water. torture.

if you really want to inflict a slow and painful death on me--if you want to watch my brain short circuit, burst into flames, sending fire out my nostrils till i burn up in the inferno of EXTREME ANNOYANCE--nay, that phrase is not strong enough to convey just how ready this anti-death penalty girl would be to send you to the guillotine. really, it's simple:

find me in the library, completely focused on studying for THE HARDEST MIDTERM EVER. note that i'm already trembling a little in the accpetance that no matter how hard i study, this class is going to break my straight a's, possibly not just with a b but with a (gasp!) c!

once you've pinpointed that exact moment of angst, sit down at the computer next to me and start. to. snap. your. gum.

first i will glance in your direction, just in case you innocently didn't notice you were in a library, sitting next to someone ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

keep. snapping. your. gum.

soon i will glare at you.

then i will lose control of all bodily functions as the flames have consumed me. do you feel the arrows of fire shooting out of my eyes and into your snapping jaw?

and then, salvation! the roof of the library is lifted off as heavenly rays of golden light shine down, reminding of the antidote. thank god (and the ahlstrom family!) for the ipod.

unfortunately this is only a temporary solution as i surely cannot concentrate on PHILOSOPHY while listening to the danielson family yelping. i am forced to leave. you win.

so now i must study on my couch, staring at my feet, because apparently i'm too high strung right now to study in public WITHOUT WANTING TO KILL SOMEONE.

wanna keep a back-up in your arsenal just in case you didn't finish me off with that one?

sit in my subway car, IN PUBLIC (no, there are no subway cars in your apartment, which should be a dead giveaway that this is inappropriate behavior) and CLIP. YOUR. NAILS.

you laugh now. you have no idea how frightfully often this happens. don't even get me started on that man on the 7 train who was clipping his TOENAILS. whoever attached keychains to fingernail clippers will burn in the fires of hell.

okay, i'm done damning strangers. go on with your day.

oh, wait. incidentally, when i related this story to emre, he said, "what if i ate like this?" (mouth open, smacking noisily).
i answered immediately. "i wouldn't have fallen in love with you. i wouldn't have had the chance because i couldn't get through one meal with you." sorry. i'm that shallow.


kim said...

Clipping toenails on the subway (or BART) is all wrong! Of course there are worse and even more disgusting things people do on our public trains, but let's not go into all that now. The SNAP of the clippers must have been bringing you closer and closer to an existential crisis about humanity and all its worth! Love the ranting!

Amy said...

Loved reading this, too funny! That's not shallow at all, it's reality! You know I have these noise issues too, remember the camper, mac & cheese, and the Oregon coast?